|Excerpts From a Journal|
|By Deborah Amelon Huddy|
I wanted to be your mommy so much. I never want to forget your face and I never will.
You have made your father and i tremendously closer. I think of your mouth - deep, deep pink, almost red, with a line much darker lining it - a sweet, sweet mouth. Did you know how beautiful you are?
You were with me, with us, for 9 months and we loved you very much. It has been two days since we found out we wouldn’t be blessed with a life with you. It has been the hardest two days of our lives... Maybe you enjoyed it most in my womb. You got to know your father in there. He is a sweet, gentle, beautiful man and I know you knew that. Maybe in the womb you knew that’s where you could enjoy him the most and not outside. You accepted our love in there and gave us a tremendous love back. You taught us a love we didn’t even know was possible. You have awakened us even as we sleep.
THE DAY OF YOUR FUNERAL It is only a service. We will never let you go. There are other people here to comfort me but I only want to talk to you. It was a beautiful
service, because of you. You gave me a part of heaven today, something I will always thank you for. I think you have refreshed me. I cried because I was so scared, frightened of the service and my feelings. But I made myself strong for you. Coming back from your funeral there were two dogs, poodles, straying on a busy street. We picked them up and took them to their house or else they would have been run over. They were so easy to save and we all jumped to do our part, hoping, needing somehow to help something small and helpless. We were responding to those little dogs as we were helpless to help you. We are all frustrated in that. There are many people who are hurting because you are not with us.
I didn’t want to know what today was. I didn’t want to know the date, to know if we had gone into the next month. I finally asked your father the date and it is the start of October. I wanted to stay forever in September. My physical pain is leaving me. I do not want it to leave me because it is such a concrete reminder of you. Most would not understand that but most have not been what you and I have been through together.
I held you! I held you! I held you!
I am trying, my dear Adam, I am trying. I don’t know where I will find the strength to continue. I don’t want to frighten you, I want you to think me strong but I don’t know where all the strength needed is going to come from... I still bleed, my womb closing in after having you live inside. My extra weight I gained for you, my breasts, which now are turning brown, ugly and useless. I can hardly bear to look at them. Most times I feel my brain turning inward. But U will fight. I am fighting. There is nothing else I can do.
PLEASE, ADAM, I HAVE TO KNOW THAT YOU FELT LOVE.
PLEASE, ADAM, I HAVE TO KNOW YOU WERE NEVER IN PAIN.
I cannot feel anything except the loss of you. I cannot believe I never heard you cry. That I never saw you open your eyes... Yet I’ve realized that you have brought a happiness into my life that only you could bring...
Last night you were one with me in my dream and you made me fly. I was huddled in a corner so scared and in the dark. But then I began to fly into the living room. I hung there, suspended. Your spirit kept me up and flying. I was so frightened and in awe. There was a light inside me and it must have been you. I wanted to wake up, it seemed I was struggling because the feeling was so alien. But you hung onto me and I kept flying. I did finally wake up but I could have flown with you forever.
Adam, you now have a little brother. His name is Addison and his name means “Descendant of Adam.” he is two years old. You would have liked him very much.”
Thank you so much, Mom