|by Carrie Becker|
|I have kept all of the letters that I wrote to my baby Nathan. Every now and then, I go back and read them. It helps me to remember him along with the pain of losing him and the healing that has occurred over the past three years.
Nathan is our first baby and miscarried on October 14, 1993 at eight weeks. My heart was broken. I have never experienced a hurt so deep. I felt completely alone and empty. I hated my body because it could not give me a child, something so natural for other people. I was angry at my God because I believed that He could do anything-even save my baby. Yet He had chosen not to. How to cling to faith in the face of this was a mystery to me at first.
One day, as I was crying, it occurred to me that God had lost His only son too. This was where I began to rebuild my faith. I was able to see God as my comforter, one who understood the pain of losing a child and could empathize with my pain. God was no longer my adversary; he became my refuge. Only after I was able to stop wrestling with the “Whys?” could I begin to heal. I still had no explanation for my loss, but I had a companion in my grief. Knowing that God loved Nathan even more than I did brought me peace.
I know that Nathan is in heaven and watches over his little brother and sister. I will tell them about him and we will remember, forever.
I love you Nathan,