You Would Have Been
Written December 8, 2013 by Judy Marvel 
For Baby Marvel 
The pain came slowly.
And in spurts.

But first the tears flowed.
My heart knew I was slowly losing you.
You were letting go.

So, I cried first.
My heart bled of grief.
For the emptiness it would soon feel.

And when the tears stopped, I bawled over with pain.
I welcomed it because I wanted the pain to herald you’re going away.
The pain made you real.

Like fighting into the night.
Not gently.
Never gently.

I wanted to know how much pain I could bear.
I wanted you to know I would bear that pain for what would've been.

I did not want the easy way out.
No pills that would numb the pain.

Just the two of us saying goodbye in that gut-wrenching way you lose someone you love.

Only you didn't know how much I could have loved you.

And I wouldn't know what would have been the color of your eyes.

The pain never stopped deep into the night.
I don't know if it ever will.

Used with permission.