Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS) - Poems

Trapped

I’ve been trapped in a daze for what seems like years,
it is if you count a second per tear
it’s like a bad dream I can’t really share
when I realize I’m not sleeping – again my heart breaks.
How can I miss a child I’ve never held in my arms?
I am no martyr and I meant him no harm.
All I have is a picture to hold in my eyes.
He touched my soul deeply and I know he’s devine.
A part of me hardened, a part of me broke
to meet him someday is my only hope
I’m the mother of four but can only touch three
the few that know the truth take pity on me.
Their eyes sympathetic, a constant reminder
they all think the same “our words will help bind her”
I want to be alone, my baby don’t mention
his life was so short, I don’t want to share him
I don’t want a hug, I don’t want to talk
at times mad at God, but still one of his flock.
Is he a preemie, a newborn or now 3 ½ months
will he age as we do, does he laugh at the fuss?
Is he mad, is he sad, does he understand?
I wanted nothing more than to watch him grow to a man.
Was I selfish, were they right, would he really not live?
To make him all better my soul I would give.
I have so many questions and had such little time
no one but me felt him, he was truly mine
he has two parents, two sisters and a big brother, too,
and away up to Heaven I know his soul flew.
For my other three children I’ll go on and I must
deep in their eyes I see faith I see trust.

I will never forget him as long as I breath
even after I’ve stopped and my soul too must leave
no one knows his name though I say it in prayer
only God and I know it and I don’t think it’s fair.
I’ve named my second son Danny – a name I’ve always loved
if you know what it states, it fits like a glove.
”God is my judge.” Is simply what it means.

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