Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS) - Poems

Have You Ever?

By Dedet Reyes

for Joshua Gabriel Here on earth June 18 to June 25, 2002. Here in my heart forever.

For the last few weeks I have had people tell me to move on, let go, get my act together. Well I've just about had enough. In a fit of rage, I sat down and wrote this little poem.

Have you ever watched your child die?
Have you ever held his hand.
feeling the life that grew within you
slip away, breath by painful breath?
Have you ever kissed a cold, gray cheek
knowing you will never it kiss it again
while helpless tears rolled
down your own?
Have you ever left your child –
the child you dreamed of,
the child you love –
knowing the next time you visit him,
it will be at his grave?
Have you ever sat at your window
at midnight
waiting for sleep, waiting for any escape
from a nightmare that won't go away,
only to watch the dawn bring nothing
but reminders of what you
will never have?
Have you ever watched the world forget
the person you loved the most
saying “you'll have another one”
or “move on”
or “let go”
as if he were a book, or a pen,
or a bad haircut
replaced, erased
as if he didn't matter
as if he had never been.
Have you ever looked at your future
knowing someone will always be missing?
Have you ever looked at your past
knowing some things
can never be changed?
Have you ever looked at your present
and felt nothing, saw nothing
but guilt and anger and loss?
If you haven't -
then don't tell me what to think.
Don't tell me how to act.
Don't tell me how to feel.
Your words are meaningless, empty -
Empty of the love that I have for my child.
Empty of the longing for his voice,
his touch.
Empty like my arms.
Empty like my heart.

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