Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS) - Stories

My sweet, sweet Jacob-

Carol S. Winter

August 2, 1997

My sweet, sweet Jacob-

It’s now been more than 4 years since we lost you. We still miss you so very much. My heart still aches and I continue to wonder why. Why were you born too early? Why did you die when there are so many kids in this world that are unwanted? We wanted you so badly… Having you, then losing you 3 weeks later has impacted our lives tremendously. I am a different person since I became your mom. We’ve adjusted to a new “normal” in our lives since you. I’m trying to help other parents who have lost babies-desperately hoping that somehow some good comes from your death. We still have your toys out along with special remembrances of you that we’ve received from a wonderful friend, Sheri. Sheri is the most precious blessing that you brought into our lives, Jake. She helped me survive losing you. She was always there with a listening ear and a compassionate hug. She continues to be a lifelife for me. We have a special bond- the bond of children who have gone before us to heaven.

Some days it’s still hard for me to believe we ever had you. Was that all a dream?? But then- I can remember your grasping my finger, I remember the feel of your soft blond hair, I can remember standing next to your isolette talking to you and watching your O2 sat. climb as you responded to my voice, I remember those big blue eyes wide open-taking everything in- as your Dad rocked you (finally) that awful night you died. We were supposed to be holding you because they needed to change your isolette-not because we were saying good-bye… So many, many memories. Yes, you did live- it wasn’t all just a dream.

The good days now far outweigh the bad—unlike at the beginning of that awful June day. Time does help- although I’ll never “get over” losing you, as some people think I should. There will always be a piece of my heart missing. I can, however, now smile when I talk about you and this year for the first time I liked that your birthday was on our wedding anniversary. Makes the day that much more special.

Your picture still hangs in our family room next to Sam and Luke’s. I love that picture. You’re always in my heart but I like that constant reminder that you are with us and will always be a part of our family.

Sam and Luke speak of you frequently. They think it’s pretty cool that you’re in heaven with Grandpa Winter. We talk about you guys going fishing and of course you’re bowling when we have a storm! Sam and Luke also get a kick out of the fact that you’d be the same age as Sam for a month and you’d be the same age as Luke for 2 months!

Do you remember us telling you that you looked just like Dad? Well that’s really special to me now, because I can look at pictures of your dad when he was a little boy and try to “see” you as you’d be today. Such a handsome guy!! Wonder if you’d have his personality-loving, gentle, laid back and a good sense of humor??? I’m sure Grandpa Winter would love to tell you lots of stories from when Dad was a little boy! Well, give your Grandpa a hug for us, OK Jake? Say hey to Ashley, Joey and Megan. Oh-Lindsay, Stephanie and Brandon, too!

I love you so much, Jake. I’m so happy to have had those 3 precious weeks with you. I look forward to the day I’ll hold you in heaven, my sweet boy!

Carol S. Winter

Jacob Thomas Winter was born very unexpectedly at only 26 weeks of gestation weighing 2 lbs. 3 oz. On May 24, 1993 to Carol and Bill Winter. He struggled valiantly for 3 weeks to stay here on earth with his Mom, Dad and big sister Samantha. On June 13, 1993 he went to heaven to be with Jesus. Jacob also has a little brother Luke, born March 31, 1994.

(507) 334-4748

support@irisremembers.com