Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS) - Stories - A Dedication to Marisa Angel Ley

A Dedication to Marisa Angel Ley

By Cindy Ley

July 5-9, 1995

It’s been two years since you came into my life. Sometimes it seems like a dream, like it didn’t-couldn’t- have really happened. When I think back to the rawness of those first days, weeks, and months, remembering the utter anguish of my soul screaming out for you-it’s hard to believe a person can live through such pain. It almost seems like another lifetime. I don’t often let myself feel such depths of my grief anymore.

Your two brothers take up much of my time and energies. One was here before you. The other, you watched enter into my life. I cannot look at them without seeing a wide, never-ending gap between them-right where you would have been.

I see the glimmer in Michael’s eyes as he gazes with wonder at his big brother- watching his every move in awe and laughing at his silliness. I wish I could have watched you look at your big brother that way… My heart aches as I see Matthew playing with his baby brother, so gentle and kind, trying to get his baby brother to play with him in a way an 8-month-old baby just cannot do. He should have had this experience before now, with you. You two would have shared so much throughout your lives. That gap will never be closed.

Marisa, darling, you have already changed my life so much. I think you realize this. I only hope your short life continues to mold me into the type of person I should become. Although, you know if I could, I would turn back in a minute and grow no more-if only I had that choice. But I have no choice but to live this life without you. Will it all be clear one day? Do you already know?

I think you do know that I hope to someday bring another sibling into our family. When I tell people this, they pause and say, “oh…yes…you want a little girl…?” Don’t they know, I already had my little girl!

I love you and miss you forever, my sweet angel. Happy second birthday, my love.

Marisa Angel Ley, daughter of Cindy and Darryl Ley, was born July 5, 1995 and died July 9, 1995, from complication of an abrupted placenta. Her older brother is Matthew and her baby brother is Michael James.

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